Thursday, September 13, 2012

Getting To Know Me

What an emotional to days it has been. There has been a lot of self examination and I am getting to know this person I am evolving into. Last week was so hard and I knew that things were getting bad as far as depression goes for me. I was just not up to another week like the one before and so I had pretty much decided I was just going to stop breathing. Let me tell you how well that I cannot say that this week has been easy but so far the breathing in and out part has continued and...drumroll please!! I have gotten dressed everyday! You know I am not doing well when simple things like showering or dressing for the day become insurmountable tasks for me. So each day that I have gotten dressed I've said a big old fat "good for you!" to myself. I'm not sure what the change has been. I am not in pain this week like I was last week. Don't get me wrong, there is always. Certain amount of pain, the only way to be pain free with fibromyalgia is to be so drugged that all you want to do is sleep. The pain this week however is not the kin of pain that tricks you into thinking it will be this bad forever. That's the thing about pain, it's sneaky. It not only hurts your body but it hurts your soul. It's so easy to think "I will feel like this forever" and then every time you come through the flare up you say "next time I will remember that it won't last forever" but guess don't remember. That is why pain is such a sneaky little devil, it consumes you wether you realize it or not. I am grateful that this week is better and I push through the pain when I can and when I can't I say "screw you" to mr. pain and curl up with a good book. This week I have been glued to a blog called "Rockstar Ronan." google it, I promise you will laugh, cry and wan to make a difference. It's been nice to get outside of my own head and into the head of someone else who fought a battle of her own. I've realized that being strong is so much more than I thought it was and it's so much simpler than I thought. Being strong means being real and honest. It means standing up for yourself when the chips are down an not apologizing for your feelings but owning them instead. To this beautiful blogging mother I have to say "Maya, thank you for the lessons you are teaching me. I was a little more patient with my little ones today and it was because I was thinking of you, your family and especially your angel baby Ronan." it's amazing what strength we can learn from others trials. In talking to a good friend tonight I expressed that I do not see myself as a strong person and she said "it's because you don't know you yet."  Emily your words made me excited to get to know me, perhaps I am more than I think of me. I am thankful for your insight and your funny ways.

Well, I better crash tonight so I don't tomorrow, I have been staying up way past my bedtime and it shows!!

No comments: