Thursday, September 13, 2012
A Better Day
Today was a good day for me. We did a few things that were out of our ordinary and it really helped. There were a few rough patches but I would count today as a success. Nora had a hard time going to school again and I felt horrible sending her out the door in tears again but I'm not sure what else to do. Deep down I want to take her out of kindergarten and keep her home with me. We are finally back to the way things used to be for her and me. We used to send Claire and Ivan off to school and then she and Naomi and I would spend the morning together, relaxing and watching cartoons before we ventured out for the day. Nora and I have always been really close. I have a special relationship with each of my children and each relationship is vastly different. Nora latched on to me from birth and hasn't let go since. She used to cry when anyone else held her, even Matt. She is still as moody as she was when she was a baby but it's part of her charm (most of the time). I love that she wants to be with me, she's my little companion but it has become increasingly hard for her to leave my side and it's time for her to venture out of the nest now and then. As I said before, I would really like to take her out and wait another year to put her in school. She went to preschool last year and she loved it. She has been asking and asking if she can go back to her preschool and I'm not sure that is a bad idea. I talked with her preschool teacher and she agreed that it might be a good idea. She was Nora's teacher during the time that Matt had the stroke and she was so patient and loving with her. She understood that there was no structure to our lives and the only constant was that Daddy was in the hospital again. I talked with her kindergarten teacher (whom Nora loves) and she said that it will get better. With contrasting advice I have to leave it up to mother's instinct and prayer, so I will be searching for the answer for the next week and we will keep trying kindergarten to see if we can make it happen. When she got to school with Claire this morning she was so scared about going to class that she wet her pants. Claire called me and I went over to the school to take her a change of clothing and get her through breakfast and into class. The minute that she saw me she of course asked if she could go home. Everything in my mommy heart screamed "yes!" because I could see how scared she was but I knew that I couldn't show her how scared I was for her and I had to just say "No, you have to go to kindergarten." Naomi and I stayed with her while she ate her breakfast and then it was time to get to class. Nora took her tray to the kitchen and immediately began to cry. I literally had to pull her down the hall to her class. I knew that once we got there that Ms. M would be helpful in talking her into starting the day but to my dismay, Ms. M was not there but a substitute instead. I almost turned right around and took her home but I gutted it out and took her over to get in line to wash her hands and hang her backpack. She was sobbing the whole time and I was so mad at myself for forcing this on her. I told her I would stay until she had washed her hands and so I watched from the classroom door. I could tell that the substitute was trying to console her but Nora kept looking for me so I finally decided that it would be best if I left. I went in and gave her a kiss and told her I would see her soon and I turned and left. It was so hard. When I went to pick her up however there was the smile that she usually has at the end of the 3 hours. I think if we can just get her used to leaving me in the morning we will be good to go. It's the initial separation that scares her. So that part of the day was very hard. After I picked her up I had several errands to run and we made a good time of it. We went to the dollar store to get envelopes and came out with a bag full of goodies. Taking a little girl to the makeup isle in the dollar store is asking for trouble :). We picked up a dollar hamburger for lunch and set out to finish our errands with our Mastiff "Bruiser" in tow. He loves to ride in the car and Nora likes to see him when we pick her up. One of our stops was paying the electric bill and the pay station happens to be in a candy store on Main Street. We had never been into "Sweet Lizzie's" before and I wanted one of everything in there. We will definitely be visiting there again! It was nice to have our little adventures together and I am excited to take more afternoon with the girls. I am going to try to take little daily adventures with them. It keeps me out of my head. When we came home I rocked Naomi to sleep and sat down to read. I spent the afternoon reading the blog that I have been addicted to called "Rockstar Ronan" It has me wanting to look into spreading awareness for childhood cancer. I wouldn't even know where to begin so I am going to contact the mother that writes this blog and ask her what I can do. My plate is full but there are so many things that I can scrape off so that I can help others. If you have time check out The Ronan Thomas Foundation at
www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com and if you have the means, donate to this cause. You can also check out the blog that his mother has put together, it's incredible. She is a fighter and one hell of a mother. Reading her blog has made me want to be a better mother. After pulling myself away from Ronan's blog I made Mexican Lasagne for dinner which of course made me miss my girl from AZ, Mills I miss you! She taught me everything I need to know about mexican lasagne and the secret to amazing chocolate chip cookies! I also have to give a shout out to my friends that came to visit tonight, E and K you are super awesome friends and I love that we can all hang out and my husband doesn't scare you away! I think the only thing that would make this day better is some peanut M&M's and I am just crazy enough that I may head out for some! So as I said, today was a better day and I am grateful for it. I would love to feel like we are on our way out of the land of stroke recover and into the land of family and fun and friends and peace.