Saturday, November 3, 2012

Our Way Back to Happy

What a week.  I have been switching medications for Fibromyalgia due to the stupidity of our insurance company and it has made me so sick.  I have been on Lyrica for quite a while now and it was really working but my co-pay is nearly 150$ a month.  My doctor was giving me samples until recently when they ran out.  It is not something that you should stop suddenly and so I have been a mess.  I am sad that I had to switch to a different medication because the Lyrica combined with ibuprofen was beginning to turn me back into a functioning person.  I found out that I do qualify to get the medication direct from the manufacturer at no cost and I was so excited.  My doctor has to sign a form and I mail it in and they will send the medication to the doctors office free of charge.  I am so excited to go see the doctor and get that taken care of because this new medication is not helping very much at all.  This is such a cruel disease.  Most of the time I can work my way around it but it has taken so much away from me.  Just the other day it snowed for the first time this year and Nora asked if I would please come outside and make a snowman with her.  I was hurting so badly and experiencing withdrawal from stopping the Lyrica and I had to tell her that I couldn't.  I wanted to cry.  She was so upset and I know that her little 5 year old mind just cannot comprehend why I wouldn't want to jump at the opportunity.  I just told her that Mommy doesn't feel good but I know that she and the other children are tired of that answer.  I just want to be able to run and play with my kiddos.  Lyrica gave me some hope that I will be able to do that again and soon so I am going to do everything in my power to get back on that medication.  This afternoon was busy as usual.  Claire and Ivan show up everyday at 3:40pm and the house goes from quiet to chaos, lol.  They are always full of excitement and stories about their day at school and I love it even if it is overwhelming sometimes.  Claire has started playing with one of her classmates and for two days in a row now they have had a play date and it's fun to see that.  We are getting back into the "normal" life scene.  We are dealing with things like laundry and chores and play dates and family and I love it.  I love that we are not moving from one crisis to another right now.  I am hesitant to get too comfortable because that is usually when things go wrong but I refuse to be scared of life anymore.  I will admit I have been afraid to rebuild.  I have been hesitant to start a new chapter in our lives, one that is free of chaos and instability.  A life where strokes are not allowed because they rob us of too much.  No more taking.  I am building what I see as a productive and healthy life for my family and I am going to do my best to make sure it stays that way.  We were supposed to start family counseling this last week but both the car and the gas tank in the van were empty and therapy is 30 minutes from home and so we had to cancel our appointment.  I was frustrated because this was the second cancelled appointment for us and I am starting to feel like every time we take a step forward we take 2 backwards.  We are having more good days than bad however and the kids seem to be falling back into a happy and healthy lifestyle.  Matt is feeling good and I am so thankful for that.  He is so strong and I am proud of him.  I wish that I could have been stronger through everything but the fact that I am still standing tells me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  I am so thankful that we are finding our way back to happy, it's been far too long.

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