Thursday, January 7, 2010
This baby was born at 29 weeks
Do you ever wish that you could go back to the moment everything changed? I do. I can pinpoint that moment and I wish so much that I could go back to that moment and stop the world from turning and stop my little world from spinning way out of balance. Worry is an unproductive thing but as mothers we do it all of the time. Thank goodness we can shelter our children from most everything that we need to. We can teach them not to run in front of cars, to say no to drugs, to play nice with others. But what about when we can't shelter them or teach them to stay away from what is going to hurt them. What if that thing is you. Every moment that this baby is inside of me I worry about the damage that I am doing to her. I worry that she is severely anemic, I worry that she has too much fluid on her heart, I worry that her organs are going to fail. I am hoping that my appointment with the perinatologist will answer my questions and calm my fears but I think that this cloud of worry will be with me until she is here, alive and okay. I am just tired of the images in my head of her small undeveloped body lying in an incubator where I cannot hold her and comfort her. I am tired of imagining the C-section and not being able to hold her at birth. I am tired of worrying as to whether or not I will get to nurse her. I am just tired. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough for me.