Thursday, January 7, 2010

That Moment

This baby was born at 29 weeks

Do you ever wish that you could go back to the moment everything changed? I do. I can pinpoint that moment and I wish so much that I could go back to that moment and stop the world from turning and stop my little world from spinning way out of balance. Worry is an unproductive thing but as mothers we do it all of the time. Thank goodness we can shelter our children from most everything that we need to. We can teach them not to run in front of cars, to say no to drugs, to play nice with others. But what about when we can't shelter them or teach them to stay away from what is going to hurt them. What if that thing is you. Every moment that this baby is inside of me I worry about the damage that I am doing to her. I worry that she is severely anemic, I worry that she has too much fluid on her heart, I worry that her organs are going to fail. I am hoping that my appointment with the perinatologist will answer my questions and calm my fears but I think that this cloud of worry will be with me until she is here, alive and okay. I am just tired of the images in my head of her small undeveloped body lying in an incubator where I cannot hold her and comfort her. I am tired of imagining the C-section and not being able to hold her at birth. I am tired of worrying as to whether or not I will get to nurse her. I am just tired. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough for me.


The Warner Corner said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I love you.

Mary said...

Praying you get some good answers.

Queen M said...

Aubrey you are strong! You can do this! This little on was sent to you for a reason.

I remember many, many people asking me how in the world I was dealing with Millie and her birth. You just do. It's not to say that it isn't hard. It is VERY hard. But she is your little girl and you and Matt will be able to do whatever Heavenly Father asks of you.

Remember, she was his daughter before she was yours, and he WILL NOT leave her alone. Some of the choicest spirits have to come to this earth in the hardest ways and in imperfect bodies. That is part of their test, and yours.

Turn it over to him. He will take your burden and he will watch out for all of you. Do EVERYTHING your Dr tells you to. Miracles happen every day!!

Love you. Your family is in our prayers.

Queen M said...

PS Sorry if that came across in a mean way, not the way it is intended at all. I just want you guys to know that you are not alone and you CAN make it through this trial. ((HUGS))

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