Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Well, Matt is back at work and doing remarkably well for someone who had 2 major surgeries in 1 month, not to mention a 48 hour period. He has been tired but he has made it three days now. He is hanging in there but I on the other hand have been a mess. I don't know if it is the letdown of all the stress from this last month or shear exhaustion or just plain old depression but I am definitely in a slump. I know I will pull myself out of it but it is frustrating to sit and worry about whether or not you are worrying. Everyday I am comforted in seeing Matt come back to us. His mood has improved and he no longer comes home depressed, exhausted and sad. He comes home and eats dinner with us and plays with the kids and we spend time together. This is what I have missed for so long. I love that Dr. Bristol and my Heavenly Father have given me my husband back even if it is for a short time. I think of all of the things that we need to pack into these next few years and then I begin to think of all of the things he will "miss" if the prognosis he was given comes to fruition and it all becomes too much to bare. That is when I put my trust in my Father in Heaven. I lean on him and pour out my heart in prayer. I am not asking for a miracle, we have seen so many of them in our time as a family that to ask for yet another one seems selfish. I am just asking for strength. I am asking for comfort and peace of mind. I need to know that I can take care of my kids and my husband especially if he can no longer take care of himself. I need to know that I am strong enough to do everything to keep this family going and the truth is I am not but Christ is. I am more thankful now than ever for the Plan of Salvation. We are taught in primary about the importance of a forever family. We are taught that we should be married in the temple so that we can be together for all eternity and I have taught my children that we are going to be together forever but I am not sure I actually realized the magnitude of this concept until now. I don't know if our finite minds can ever understand something so grand as forever but our spirit can. My spirit has been touched by the knowledge that I will get to spend eternity with the best parts of my husband. If he can no longer recognize us on earth, he will recognize us in eternity. I have felt lost thinking that I am going to have to spend the remainder of my life with my husband not knowing me but that thinking has been flawed. I may have to spend a great deal of my mortal life with Matt not recognizing me or my children but we have the promise that when we are resurrected that we can be together forever and that is what matters. The physical limitations that our mortal bodies bring to us are only a test of our faith. I am thankful for a merciful Father in Heaven that can mourn with us when we mourn and comfort us when in need of comfort.