Thursday, October 7, 2010
I have been amazed and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that we have felt from those that are aware of our current situation. Since that fateful day when the surgeon told me that my husband will most likely only be lucid for another year or two I have spent a tremendous amount of time praying and crying. Somewhere in the hours of the day I find the courage and strength to look this monster trial in the face and challenge it to a battle of endurance. Our lives have not been easy thus far but we have been blessed beyond measure. I know that the Lord has great things in store for my husband and I feel blessed to be a part of it. My patriarical blessing stresses the need for me to endure lifes challenges well. I may not understand the challenges but enduring them well is something my Heavenly Father knows I am capable of and expects of me. Some days I understand them and somedays I am overwhelmed by them. Through all of this I have felt myself drawing closer to the Lord. I have felt the need to make our lives count. To make every second count. Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried about being lonely when faced with the prospect of losing my best friend and companion to dementia? Absolutely. My future looks lonely but I know that the Lord can guide us through this trial just as he has so many others. Not only am I worried about losing him, I worry that my younger children will not remember all of the love and joy that their father brought to them. I worry so much that Matt may not be able to baptize Claire next year. I worry very much that our little Naomi may never know her father. Despite this worry, I know that the Lord will guide our family and comfort my children as he has comforted me. I know my limitations and have come to a point where I can no loger carry myself or my family through this trial alone. Now more than ever I need help and guidance. I am seeking help through a professional counselor and resting my burdens in the hands of the Lord. I have found myself in deep despair but I have also found that I do not remain there long. I have a loving Heavenly Father that knows my needs even when I am not sure what they are. So while I am frightened by what the future may bring to us, I have no doubt that with the Lord we can endure this trial and endure it well. In the meantime the surgeon and the Lord have given me something I have so desperately wanted for years. They have given me back the man I married. He is smiling again for the first time in years. What more could I ask for than to spend what time we do have left smiling with one another.