Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Cry It Out And Then Keep Going

Tonight my heart is heavy. I hesitate to post too much when I am having a hard time in order to refrain from seeming ungrateful or negative but blogging is a therapy I can afford and so here I am. Tonight my heart is heavy and the future weighs on my mind. A couple of things happened today that contributed to my current condition. Some of the family called today and wanted to know how Matt was doing. It is so nice to know that we are not forgotten and the we have family praying for us in other places but it is hard at the same time to update them all. When they call I feel so pressured to make the best of the situation. Most days I can do just that but I will not say that it is without effort. It takes all the energy I have to get myself going everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't pause at some point and think "what am I going to do when Matt can't remember us?" I feel so blessed to still have him here with us but in a way I feel like he is being taken from us bit by bit. Everyday I wonder if there will be another piece of him missing. I never knew I could love someone so desperately. I never knew that my very existence could be linked to another person. Most days I have the energy or am blessed I should say with the energy to smile. Most days I can live like everything is normal but there are days when I have to stop and say "no everything is not okay." I just keep telling myself it will be okay and I really do believe that but tonight I want to know how. I want to see the end from the beginning. It's as if I am watching someone Else's life and I want to skip to the end in order to avoid the sad parts in the middle. I want to know why. Isn't that such a cliche'? Everyone always wants to know "why me?" I guess the question is "why not?" We are human just like everyone else which means we will have trials just like everyone else but I want to know why one of my biggest fears is coming true. I have always said I would not have the strength to lose a spouse or a child and here I am losing my husband. I am just thankful that he will still be here physically. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't see him everyday even if he doesn't know who I am. I want to always be able to look into his blue eyes and see my own love reflected back at me. I am hoping the love I have will be enough for the both of us.
Claire had a hard day at school today. She got in trouble for something that was not a big deal but it is something that had to be dealt with. I wasn't sure quite how to handle it and so I talked with her and then decided that I would talk with Matt and we could decide how to handle it together. This is the second event that tugged at my heart today. I realized today that it is very possible that someday when something happens and it is not so simple and I really need Matt on my side he won't be there. This realization makes it hard to breathe. This possibility seems more and more likely with every hard day that he has. All around me people are telling me that it may not happen, that the doctor's could be wrong but what they don't see is that it has already started happening. Everything that the doctor told us could happen has started happening. He has started forgetting things daily, semi-big things and it seems to be more frequent. The doctor told us that his pituitary gland could be damaged by one of the operations and it has. He seems to be falling apart physically and I am following him desperately trying to pick up the pieces and put him back together. I love him too much to lose him. It's like trying to imagine the death of your spouse. The very idea makes you sick to your stomach and you have to stop yourself from thinking about it because it can't possibly happen. Something so horrible just can't happen. Trying to imagine my life without Matt's sense of humor, without his sarcasm and wit is like trying to imagine my life without him at all. It is just too painful. It makes me sick to my stomach and I have to stop myself and think "one day at a time Aubrey, one day at a time." I have no doubt that the Lord will carry us through this time and give us the time we need to adjust but I have to admit that tonight it is just not okay. This whole situation is just not okay with me. I want to scream "nothing is okay" but I can't, that's just not okay. I am expected to be strong, I am expected to say "just fine" when asked how I am because people just can't accept the truth without thinking that I am seeing the glass half empty. It is very hard to live up to other's expectations. I know they just want to help and comfort me but there are days when I just need to cry it out. My new motto is "cry it out and then keep going." I repeat this to myself whenever it gets too hard to breathe. I have a very strong testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that he alone has made it possible for Matt and I to be together forever. I know that Christ has felt my pain and Matt's pain and will not abandon us in this time. I know that God has given us eternal families. I am so grateful for the knowledge that Matt and I will be together again someday whole and perfect. I am so thankful for the knowledge that this pain is only temporary. I testify that God makes miracles happen even if they are not the miracles we are expecting. I have fallen and felt the hand of the Lord pick me up and push me on. I know that it is the hand of the Lord that will carry us through this life and into the next where we can be together forever and though tonight my heart is heavy, I trust that the Lord will lighten my burden and tomorrow will be a better day.


Weighting to be Thin said...

Typically the stages for coping with grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. You are doing such an amazing job! I am sure it doesn't feel like that but you are handling more than the average bear.

The other morning, Evan didn't want to wear his sweater to school. For some reason (probably b/c I was up late the night before) I lost my cool and totally yelled at him over a sweater. I felt horrible that I made him cry before he even went to school. I felt that I probably ruined his whole day..... just an example that we are human and that we try as best we can but sometimes we are not who we want to be.

Hang in there and keep writing! You are a beautiful writer!


Mary said...

I am costantly praying for you Aubrey. I think your motto of crying it out and then keep moving is a good one. Do what you need to do and don't bottle it up. I hope that makes everything "easier".