Monday, November 1, 2010

The Grace of God

Today was a very productive day for me. I have been trying to get out of the house early in the mornings lately, it seems to help me feel a little less sluggish. After a frustrating trip to Walmart with the kids I came home to battle the house. Neither of us has won that battle yet but I am ahead! I decluttered all of the closets and now have what I like to call "mount
miscellanious" in the loft. I hope to move this mountain before it becomes it's own historical land mark. For those of you that know me, this truly is a historical moment in my life. It is the moment I FINALLY declared independence from my hoarding habit and chucked all of the clothes I have been holding on to since Claire was born. As I was cleaning out the closets I found myself including the newborn clothes that Naomi has outgrown into the "to be donated" bags. Months ago I could not have done this. I knew that she would probably be our last baby but because my dream of a large family has been altered by life I was just not ready to give in to that idea. I still would love to have one more child. I still feel like there is someone missing but I am coming to terms with our situation. I believe the Lord has granted me some peace and comfort as far as this subject is concerned. I know that there is a chance that we may get our miracle and that Matt may not forget us entirely and that is why I am not willing to take the permenant route for concluding our family. I do believe however that if our miracle does not come in the form that we want it to, the Lord will provide us with the miracle of peace. It was a wonderful realization to feel that things would be okay. Tonight was a little bit harder. I was so tired. I have reached what feels like the "point of no return exhaustion." I found myself feeling resentful toward life and our situation. I work until I can hardly move and that is where Matt used to be able to relieve me. Now I work until I can hardly move anymore, take some darvocet and keep right on working. I am not mad at Matt because he cannot help but I am completely overwhelmed. I always assumed given my medical history that I would be the one to fall apart first. It's hard to be on either side but from this side it looks impossible. I know that there will be people along the way to help me but I wonder what will happen when our kids become teenagers and I have to deal with "the hard stuff" on my own. What happens when major decisions need to be made and Matt is not able to help me make them? I guess this is why it is so important for me to remain close to my Father in Heaven. I firmly believe that prayer, faith, endurance and the grace of God are the only things that are going to see us through this unfortunate situation.

1 comment:

Mary said...

Aubrey, I wish that there were some relief for you. I can't imagine going through this. Hoping that Matt is given more time.