Friday, November 26, 2010
Our Thanksgiving was a quiet one. We spent some time at a friends house with great people and wonderful food. We had to leave early because Matt's legs and feet were swelling. We spent the remainder of the day at home as a family, Matt's legs elevated watching movies. I was so grateful that Blockbuster was open or our Thanksgiving would have been very lonely and very quiet. The day had started out on a sour note. I had slept in until 9am. I have been so exhausted without good reason but never the less, I have been dragging. When I came down stairs my kids had made such a mess of the downstairs. I was so upset because some of my best friends had spent an entire weekend cleaning the place and I had managed to keep it clean all week. It was more than I could take. The baby was ready for a nap and so I put her down and I left. I left Matt with the kids and I drove. I drove into the next city and bought myself breakfast and then headed up the canyon. It was just me, the road and a good CD. I don't know where I was going or what I was expecting out of the journey, I just knew I needed out. I drove up the canyon for more than 30 miles. I enjoyed the winding road and the freedom ahead of me. I tried not to think of what I had left behind...a mess. I realized on that drive that I am very unhappy. I am not unhappy with my little family or what the Lord has blessed me with but I am unhappy with myself. I also decided that until I could forgive myself for being who I am I will not be happy with the things that the Lord has given me. I have not been in a Thankful mood so far this season. Other have expressed daily what they are thankful for and although I could make a list miles long of the things that I have been blessed with and am thankful for, I have not wanted to. I have been angry, not thankful. I do believe that had I chosen to participate in this exercise of thankfulness my attitude would have been drastically different but I just didn't want to. I was just too tired to even try. Instead I have turned my attention inward and not liking at all what I have seen I have self-medicated with silly things like buying socks (Leilani that was for you). Not liking what I have seen within I have spent a tremendous amount of time lately trying to change everything. Guess what...none of it has worked. This time of year is a time for thankfulness but it is also a time for forgiveness and I have a large list of things to forgive myself for. I realize that this is not a small task and that it will take years and lot's of help from others and from the Savior but I feel I have made a major breakthrough just by realizing where the problem lies. All this time I have been blaming our circumstances for my unhappiness when in reality if circumstances were different I would most likely be just as unhappy. The secret is, deep down inside, somewhere I do not allow myself to go very often I have learned to hate myself. I have allowed myself to hurt me in ways that I would never let anyone else. I have neglected and abused myself. Through the wisdom of the words of another woman who found herself in a similar predicament, I began to realize that it was time to stop hating myself and start forgiving myself.
The list is endless but here are 10 of the things that I am going to learn to forgive myself for, no matter how long it may take.
1. I forgive myself for having a "muffin top." No, seriously I forgive myself for the condition of my body. It has been something I have hated for as long as I could remember. I forgive myself for not being able to do things with my body that other mothers can, like run along side my childs bike or play kick ball with them. I forgive myself for wearing a size 18-20 (that's right, I said it out loud). I forgive myself for not being able to resist things like Costa Vida and Oreo's. I forgive myself for not being able to fit into the cute clothes that all of my friends are sporting. Somehow I will learn to love all 236 pounds of myself(close your mouths, shock is unbecoming and hurtful).
2.I forgive myself for being needy. I know it and those of you who are my friends know it. I absolutley hate this about myself but it is something I am going to forgive and hopefully change.
3. I forgive myself for not being the perfect mother. We've all seen them and wished that we were them. I am sick of telling myself that they have faults too because their worst attributes would probably outweigh my best anyday but I am doing the best I can and so I forgive myself for my shortcomings and will forgive myself everyday for not doing it right, and then try to do it right.
4. I forgive myself for not being able to see the bright side of things all of the time. I forgive myself for feeling despair (a lot) and crying. I forgive myself for not being stronger and I will strive to find strength in everyday God chooses to give me.
5. I forgive myself for being on depression medication (that's right, I'm crazy as a loon). I forgive myself for not being able to face a lot of situations without the help of my little green pills. I forgive myself for needing a "chemical smile." I forgive myself for wanting to admit myself to the psyc ward a lot of the time just to get a break. And most of all I forgive myself for wanting to verbally abuse the people who try to tell me I don't need to, because they simply cannot understand.
6. I forgive myself for the lies that I have believed. I forgive myself for believing that my husband settled for less than what he deserved. I forgive myself for believing I am not everything that my family needs.
7. I forgive myself for being angry at myself for being angry(wow that didn't make a lot of sense) that my husband is sick. I forgive myself for hating everything that has happened to him and in turn to us. I forgive myself for being angry at the things that his illness has taken from us.
8. I forgive myself for not wanting to be the rock for this family all of the time. I forgive myself for wanting to walk out the door sometimes. I forgive myself for the fact that somedays are just too much for me.
9. I forgive myself for not being able to keep an un-cluttered house. I forgive myself for needing the help of others to organize and clean this place. I forgive myself for not having the physical or emotional strength for this square footage.
10. I forgive myself for not always feeling thankful for my circumstances. This does not mean I am not thankful for them, this just means that somedays it sucks and I am just going to let it suck. I forgive myself for letting it suck somedays.
This is just skimming the top but a girl has to start somewhere. And sometimes starting is the hardest part.