Sunday, November 14, 2010
We Did It!
Today was regional stake conference for our church and we made it! It is the first time we have been to stake conference as a family in years! We even stayed the whole time because everyone but Naomi and me fell asleep. It was a nice meeting. Naomi was very fussy and so I was in and out and I don't remember too many specifics but I am so proud and grateful that we went. It is the first "normal" thing I feel like we have accomplished in a long time. It was something that seemed impossible but we did it. We went almost an hour early so that we would have a bench to sit on and the kids were so good. Before we had left the house I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged. It feels like I am the only one trying to keep things going. I am the only one that seems to be cleaning up the house or taking care of business unless I yell and scream at the family to help. I hate that I am the bad guy. I hate that I get so angry about our house getting messy but it is such a defeating feeling to work so hard to clean up the house only to have my efforts undone within a matter of hours. I think it would not make me so angry if I didn't hurt all of the time. You see, cleaning the house or even a room when you have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue is like trying to climb a mountain without legs, it's impossible or nearly so without help. I don't go straight to angry when I see what the kids have done to their rooms, first comes sadness, desperation and then anger. I am literally holding back tears most of the time. Matt used to be my relief and now that he no longer feels well enough to help I am on my own. What is even worse is when I see him helping and see him hurting because I know how bad it is. I am very anxious to move into a smaller house, one that is more manageable. Furthermore I am very anxious to continue ridding ourselves of the unnecessary things that fill the extra space in this house. We have too much "stuff." I truly believe that before all is said and done we are going to have to bring in someone to help me. I am not physically or emotionally able to carry this load by myself. As I sat in conference and thought about this I started to cry. I just sat there on the bench and cried. A friend of mine asked if I was okay and it was the first time I didn't hesitate to say "no, I'm not." I am so glad it was her, I know she understands a little of what I'm feeling and without hesitation she offered to come help clean the house. She had been coming to ask us over for dinner. It was PERFECT timing. I am so glad that she had the feeling that I needed help and that she asked if I did and then offered help. She is an amazing friend. I am so grateful for the friends that I have. I am so thankful that the Lord has seen fit to bring loving, selfless, compassionate people into my life. I hope to be more like them. I hope to learn from their examples. I hope to be worthy of the friendships the Lord has given me. To all of my friends, I love you and am so grateful for you.