Now that the holidays are over I suppose it is time to prepare for what's next. The hardest part about that is not knowing what comes next. I went out yesterday looking at houses and all I have to say is blah...
The thought of moving yet again is very depressing. What's even more depressing is that before Christmas there seemed to be an abundance of houses in our neighborhood and ward but now that the holidays are through they are scarce. I have to admit that once again I just want to go home. The problem is that home is more than one place for us right now. I can't imagine leaving the friends we have made here but I can't imagine staying and trying to keep going the way we have been going. I can honestly say I just want someone else to take charge and fix what we have messed up so badly.
We head to the doctor tomorrow for Matt. I am dreading it because we will either be told nothing or our fears will be confirmed that his shunt has to be replaced. We are just to exhausted for either answer.
I have thought so much lately (involuntarily) about everything that you can imagine. I am so tired of thinking but there is no way to shut it off. The worst thing that you can do to a person with depression is load them up with stress and leave them alone with their thoughts. I have been comforted by the compassion of others. Our bishop came to us weeks ago and asked if we would be alright if the ward fasted for us. All I could do was cry. This last Sunday everyone was fasting and praying for us. For those of you who do not know what this is, I will explain. As members of the LDS church we fast once a month on the first Sunday. We can fast at other times too but the first Sunday is designated for that purpose. It is a time when we do not eat or drink and we focus on nourishing our spirits. Many times we fast and ask the Lord for help with specific problems. Many also fast for clarity of mind or help in making difficult decisions. In this case, our ward was fasting for our little family. I was so touched that they would be willing to go to the Lord in supplication on our behalf. Perhaps it will help us to get the correct answers from the doctors tomorrow. Even if it does not move mountains for us, I know it has and will help bring us peace. We are being blessed and though the tears are many and the laughter sometimes seldom, the spirit is constant. We are being watched over by an army of angels both here and on the other side of the veil. I do not feel as though I rise well to the challenges that are being put before us. I do not feel as though I can endure these things but somehow I do. Somehow our family "keeps getting up" as one of my best friends would say. I do need to be better about staying on my knees (and maybe doing a little more praying???) on those days that I cannot get up. I am thankful for loved ones who take children when I am not well, for friends who do dishes when I just can't seem to get them done. Perhaps there is rest for the weary, when the weary have friends.