Sunday, July 3, 2011
Today is a hard day for me. The last few days in fact have been hard for me. When we arrived here in Utah it was such a relief. It was if a huge cloud that had hung over us for years began to dissipate and sunlight began to stream through in spots. It gave us time to think and breathe which is exactly what I had needed for so long. I didn't realize that with this time to breathe and with those burdens lightened that a new storm was brewing. With the pressure of surviving gone I seem to be falling apart. Now the challenge is to survive emotionally from everything that has hit us over the last few years. I started work the day after we got here and that was a very good thing for me. It helped distract me and give me a place in the world where I wasn't somebody's mother and I wasn't somebody's wife and I wasn't the woman who's husband will someday lose his memory. I was just me and honestly that was nice. It isn't that I don't want to be somebody's mother or somebody's wife or that I won't still love and adore and stand by my husband even when he doesn't know who I am, it was just nice to be me. Now that job has ended, it was only meant to be temporary and I am so excited to be home with my children but I worry so much that I am not up to that task. I am struggling so much with a cloud of grief and sadness that hangs near me everyday and often showers me with my own tears. Everyday I am tired. Everyday I am scared. I do not sleep well. My dreams are plagued with images of the time spent in the hospital with Matt and that is an experience I was only strong enough to experience once. I have started avoiding large crowds, I cannot face them without falling into attacks of anxiety. I am avoiding people I love because I just can't find a new normal. I can't find a way to be the friend, mother and wife I once was. I can't find a way to be carefree. I worry constantly that I am failing as a wife, mother and friend. My only solice seems to be sleep. I sleep so much and I fear that it is at some great cost. Those around me try to be patient but I am constantly worried that it will damage relationships that are vital to our survival right now. It is a fight everyday within me to get out of bed and face what the day has in store and I am so tired. I wish I had a better word for it. Tired doesn't seem to be a big enough word to describe what I am feeling. I am positive that my soul is tired. I am positive that it was time to come home and I wish so much that it made everything better. It did make life easier and it did make our burden's lighter, I just never imagined that I would fall apart all over again once we were here.