Sunday, October 16, 2011

Church and Coke

Today has been a hard day. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I feel so guilty when matt is home because he is an early riser and I literally cannot drag my aching body out of bed when I know he is up with the kids. He is a great sport and never complains, in fact he encourages me to relax but he's the one that encourages me to relax and get the much needed sleep. I think a lot of the problem is that we are not in our own house and I feel judged when I cannot get out of bed. I am so grateful to my in-laws for taking us in but it is hard not to have our own house. So for these and other reasons it has been a hard morning. I have been tired, frustrated and not patient with anyone around me. In contrast, yesterday was a pretty good day! We were able to spend the day as a family doing various activities. I took Ivan and Nora to walmart with me while Matt and Claire watched Naomi. In the afternoon we all went to a birthday party at a friends house for a while and then I got to take Claire and Nora to a Halloween party at Claire's friends house. I got to spend time with my friend who was brave enough to put on the party for 7 children! It was a good time. It was nice to get out of the house. I have turned down a lot of opportunities to go out with friends because it's so hard to be away from Matt. I worry all the time and I just never want to be away from him! While it is flattering to him, I know it is not necessarily healthy. I have to stop living like he is dying. We will have a lot of time together. I just feel comfortable with him so it's hard to leave that comfort zone. All in all things are ok. I am just taking it day by day and trying not to let the physical pain, depression and anxiety get the better of me. We made it to church today. I can honestly say I didn't want to come but I'm glad we did. I can tell that Satan has been trying very hard to keep me down but I'm fighting back. I may not be fighting as gracefully as others but I'm fighting. I have awesome friends and awesome ward members that are very supportive. So although today has been a hard day, with church and a lot of coke, this day will get better :)

1 comment:

Garffdog said...

You are amazing for making it out of bed. I love you more and more each day!