Saturday, October 22, 2011

Today

Today was full of different emotions.  Last night was hard for both Matt and I.  We were so tired and really depressed after his diagnosis with diabetes.  His numbers have been steadily going down however which is good.  He is still in the 200's but it's going down.  I was up and down helping him through the night and so this morning I was super tired.  This morning I was able to go back to sleep after getting Matt medicated and his sugar's taken.  It felt so good to sleep.  I was so tired.  This afternoon I was able to get a break from it all and go to a wedding shower for my best friend Mandy.  It was so great to be able to go and celebrate her upcoming wedding.  I am so happy for her, she is marrying such an awesome guy and they all make a great family.  It was so great to see her so happy.  There were a few teary moments for me.  Some friends started asking about what was going on with Matt and I just couldn't help but cry.  I felt awful because it was her day but I guess that If I'm going to go anywhere right now, people are going to have to know that the wounds are still fresh and the tears just come when they want to.
Matt has developed what looks like a bed sore on the back of his head.  I'm not exactly sure what to do about it so my friend Michelle bought him a special pillow that has a hole in it and allows his head to rest without touching the sore.  We see the endocrinologist on Monday and he can take a look at it and let us know what to do.  This is all so overwhelming to me.  I'm not sure how to take care of him and that is scary.  I will just have to educate myself the best way I can so that when we go to the doctor I can know what they are talking about and ask the right questions.  I just want to know if they are going to be able to get him better or if I am going to lose him.  I just want someone to be honest with me and let me know how much time we have together if he is not going to get better.  I know how much time the think we will have together while he is lucid but I want to know how much longer I can sleep next to him in our bed.  How much longer I can hold his hand and watch movies, how much longer we can joke together and how much longer we can plan our lives together.  Perhaps I really don't want that answer.  Each day is a gift and I am trying to make every moment easier for him.  I wish so much that I could take it from him.  I wish it were me that was sick and not him.  I wish I could make it all better.

2 comments:

Stephanie said...

Aubrey-
Oh my gosh you are far from the reason I am trying to get away from fb. I honestly have a hard time not checking your updates, please please please update your blog. It is so much easier to follow and that is why I am focusing on my blog/text/email instead of trying to follow fb cause I feel I can't keep up. You are not drama at all, I promise!!!! We need to get together and catch up. you are so amazing and please always call me if you need anything. please also email me at steppysemail@yahoo.com to let me know updates. I am always here for you guys. love ya and rememeber I am not on fb a ton but still want every update about your sweet family. I would post updates on your blog, it is so much easier and for sure safe! Who ever wants updates will go where ever you update, I just worry about fb due to all the hacking that is going on. take care let me know what I can do to help. love you guys!

MaryJane said...

Aubrey, I am so sorry about Matt's diagnosis. Diabetes is a cruel disease, but it can be managed. My advise is read read read everything about diabetes that you can, websites, books, cookbooks, etc. Our prayers are with you, you aren't alone. Get your family healthy. Loves!