Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Mammogram, Tears and Tired, Oh My!
This week has been filled with up's and down's for me. I have been very emotional. I have tried very hard to keep busy because I seem to feel better that way. Unfortunately not everyday can be filled with things to do...well that's not true. There is plenty I should be doing but finding the motivation to do them is my problem. For a while there I really started to feel better but another round of depression has reared it's ugly head. I am grateful for the things we have, a roof over our heads, family to support us and of course each other. These are just a few but I feel that I have to give a few examples lest people think I am ungrateful. I recognize that we have been blessed, however it is hard to remember those blessings amidst the trials. With this last surgery that Matt had he was out of work for a week with no pay. We knew that it would be hard but there was no way around it, he was in no shape to go back to work. Perhaps if it had been a single hernia repair but 4 hernias repaired at once would knock anyone flat. I'm surprised that he was only down a week! So as the medical bills roll in and the paycheck doesn't it is hard not to get frustrated and down. I am not working right now and to be honest I feel worthless. Here my husband has undergone 4 major surgeries in one year and he is still working and I am home having a hard time getting out of bed each morning. I have prayed so hard to my Heavenly Father for guidance and have received a firm answer that I am not to return to work full time. My place is home with my children. They need me to help them through all that is happening to our little family but honestly I feel like I am failing at it. How can I help them when I can barely function on my own? Last week there were days when I couldn't even make myself shower. That is when I knew things were really bad. This week I am doing better at getting showered and dressed but that is about all I can make myself do. When Claire and Ivan leave for school I shut down and poor Nora and Naomi are bored out of their minds. Sesame Street and Tangled have been a godsend but I feel so guilty for not doing more. I used to take them out to play, I used to read to them and take them to the park, now I lay on the couch while they watch tv. It doesn't help that the fibromyalgia has been so much worst since we moved back. There are so many different factors that aggravate this condition and we seem to have all of those factors in our lives. I want to get better, I want to be better for my children. I know I need to go back to counseling but I'm terrified to go. I don't know why, it's not something new to me, I've done it a lot over the years but now it just seems like one more thing to do that I don't have the energy for. I just haven't felt good for a long time and it's getting worst instead of better. At the end of this month I have a checkup with my doctor and I'm hoping we can fix some of the physical symptoms. I also have to have a mammogram. I have had a lump in my armpit for about 5 months now and it can't be ignored anymore. I'm just tired. But it's nothing new and people are tired of hearing that from me I'm sure, so I'll shut my mouth and do my best to not be so dang tired.