If there was a way to stop breathing right now, just will myself to cease to exist I think I would honestly do it. I finally admitted to Matt tonight that things have gotten so bad that I have been having thoughts about cutting myself. I used to be a cutter when I was a teenager and I know to most of you it makes no sense but there is a relief that comes from having something physical to show for the hurt that is inside. It's amazing how stress can actually become a physical ache. It builds and builds inside you until there has to be some physical manifestation or outlet. I wish I were a runner. I have been reading the blog of an amazing woman who suffered immense pain and stress and she just pounded the pavement. She described it in such a way that I just wanted to put on my shoes and run out the door. Problem is I'm not sure I'd come back and because of fibromyalgia I wouldn't make it a block before I was out for the count. People with fibromyalgia do it however, it's something you have to work up to and I am seriously considering it. Of course I would have to start with walking and go from there but I have to do something to get rid of the near constant adrenaline that I am pumping out.
It's been 6 months since Matt came home from his month long stay in intensive care after his stroke and you would think that things would be great. Truth is certain things are. There are parts of our lives that have fallen into place perfectly and I am so grateful for those things because there are so many parts that haven't. Tonight my car broke down while I was trying to get dinner for the family. It was the most desperate feeling because it was the the final blow. I feel like a prize fighter that has been in the ring for 4 years. I just keep taking the hits and getting back up but I don't want to get up anymore. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. There is no money to fix the car and so the kids and I will be doing our traveling on foot. This is fine for the most part because we live in a small town and the school is very close but I cannot walk to magna to get our food order that we have had to get for three months in a row because our food stamps were cut off because of a glitch in the system. Did I mention that I'm tired? Between the ever piling medical bills, the constant fighting from the kids, the upkeep of the house and the stupid little details that need to be taken care of everyday I am nearly non-functional. I do not function well in a messy or cluttered house and no matter what I do as of late, there seems to be clutter everywhere. Did I mention that I'm tired? So there is my pity party, and honestly I will probably stomp up and down a couple of times just to make my tantrum complete.