Sunday, September 23, 2012

Wanting Better

This weekend has been crazy. The kids have been so hard and I really don't understand what has triggered it all. Ivan and Nora have been at each others throats and this anxiety ridden mother just wants to hear them play and giggle. I managed to escape on Saturday thanks to my wonderful husband who is always thinking of me. I went shoe shopping with Emily and then dragged her to a couple of tattoo parlors trying to find someone who could ink me. :)
I have been totally consumed by a blogg that I came across on facebook. I have spent many afternoons curled up on the couch reading about a little rockstar named ronan who fought so hard against neuroblastoma, a common childhood cancer but did not survive. It has made national news and it has struck a huge chord with me. I went and had a purple star tattooed on my foot in honor of this little rockstar and for the other babies out there battling childhood cancer. I read this blogg and it makes me want to work harder at being a wonderful mother but I don't feel wonderful at all. Since Matt had his stroke I have slowly been getting crazier and crazier. It doesn't help that my jumping off point was certifiable anyway. I hate that I am needing more anxiety medication than ever and that I get so angry at my children. I'm lucky to have them alive and healthy and I don't want to take that for granted. That being said, the stress of our situation has opened the door to feelings I thought I had hidden. Matt having a stroke was one of those definitive moments in life. It changed us forever. I know we will be happy again and that the caution and fear will fade but in the meantime I'm holding on by my thumbs and a lifeline would be awesome. I am trying so hard to love my kids just a little bit more, hug them a little but tighter and smile whenever possible. This is a lesson I have been taught by a little rockstar named ronan. Although the days are hard and I usually spend them barking at the kids for one reason or another, I know somehow they will get better, even if it takes a little more anxiety medication for now.

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