Thursday, October 25, 2012

I Have My Besties!

Today was a hard day. I'm changing medications for fibromyalgia and honestly it's kicking my trash! I absolutely love that we got the pain somewhat controlled and then the medication was too expensive so we are back to square one. No, you know the words of my favorite comedian we're back at "negative eleventeen!" So my morning went like so many other mornings, turn on kids shows and wait for the pain to ease up. What a routine. I've been having a really hard time this week. I've been visited by a lot of old ghosts and wounds that I thought were healed seem fresh. Man I wish it were easy to let go of trauma. Just let it go and leave it be but it is a tricky little bastard and it likes to sneak upon you. Trauma has reared it's ugly head this week in the form of 4 hurting children and a mom who cannot understand why things are so hard. We were a happy family. We still are some days but on days like today where memories surface we aren't happy, we're drowning. We painted pumpkins last night as a family and our cute friends had bought a pumpkin for everyone in the family. They had found one for Matt that oddly enough carried the same scars that he does on his head. We all laughed because...well that's what we do sometimes. If you don't laugh you'll cry your eyes out. We all painted our own pumpkin and of course Matt took it to the HNL ((w)hole notha level).  It ended up looking much like he did in the hospital. He joked and said "this is what I look like on a Monday." I looked at it and said "no it was a Friday and that's exactly what you looked like." We couldn't even escape it while doing something as simple and fun as painting pumpkins. It follows me everywhere. It was a snowy Friday morning and I nearly lost him. I nearly lost the love of my life. no one would ever have lived up to him. I'm really trying to move past it all but without counseling I'm pretty sure that I will not move past it. A friend of mine has a cousin who was having strokes and wondered if I had any words of encouragement for her cousins wife. I had nothing. Word of encouragement still don't have a place in my heart. People ask how we are doing and words of encouragement are what I have to give them so that they can make sense of things and move on with their day. I know we are blessed that Matt is doing so well. I know that we will be ok but we are not there yet. Kids and I are still at each other because we're all hurting, tired and confused. So I hate answering the "how are you doing" question. I think it should be off limits. I do have my besties though that really do want to know how we are and thank goodness for them. They can make me smile on days when smiling seems down right impossible. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm getting my nails done and taking kiddos to buy Halloween costumes. Nothing like pampering and retail therapy to make things better. Well, goodnight my peeps, this chic needs some sleep!

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