Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Love Them As I Love Them

I am not in love with this day. It is cold and gloomy and lonely. I miss the days that Matt was able to stay home with us. Those last days of his recovery were good days. He would rather be home, we love being together. The doctor is changing one of my medications for fibromyalgia and I hurt. Chronic pain can be very depressing. I'm not ready for snow, it makes the pain worse. Halloween is coming so soon and I haven't been able to buy Halloween costumes yet. Today is just full of positive attitude isn't it! I think I'm just tired. I'm tired of a lot of things and at the moment I feel hopeless to change a lot of them. For a couple of days I have really wanted to go walking, even in the cold but the pain keeps me from doing much. There is a lot around the house I should be doing but I just want to sit. I'm feeling a bit useless to tell you the truth. We are adjusting to adding another family to our household and although it's nice to have friends around I am struggling with being the go between with the adults and children. My children are not easy children because they have the most stubborn parts of both Matt and I, lol. The three older ones are all 20 months apart and that in itself is hard but add in autism and bipolar to the mix and its downright hard. Naomi and Nora are a little further apart but both are extremely independent so it's crazy. It's hard to know that other people don't see the good parts of your children. I just want to scoop them up and go away. I would love for our little family to g on a vacation. I want to go somewhere where we're able to just relax and old one another. I want to run away from our complicated corner of the world, where the phone does not ring and the bills do not pile up. Where there is always enough for our needs and then some to spare and spend on those who need it. I really wonder if I should get a full time job but I really do not want my kids in daycare. I know things would be a lot easier financially if I worked but the kids are already dealing with abandonment issues from our time in the hospital after Matt's stroke. I never imagined how bad it must have been for them. I've been dealing with my own pain and demons that I haven't stopped to think about that fateful day and what it did to them. I promised them that Matt would be fine. Claire and Ivan were getting ready to walk out the door to school when Matt fell. Claire came upstairs even though she was told not to and informed me that he had fallen. I assessed the situation and sent them off to school. Ivan hadn't wanted to go. I called them up to my room before they left and assured them that we were just going to get pictures of daddy's head and that we would be back before they got home from school. "Dad is going to be just fine, I promise." I was wrong, I was so wrong. I called the school and let them know what had happened. I asked them not to tell Ivan and Claire because at that time Matt was in surgery and we didn't know if he was going to make it. My sister ended up picking them up from school. They were probably so excited to see her. Do you know I don't even know what she told them. I don't know how she explained why she was picking them up. I've never asked. What kind of mother doesn't know that? I remember telling my sister not to let them know exactly what had happened. Nora and Naomi were with our incredible neighbors and I don't know where they went from there. They must have been so confused about where we were and what was going on. I was too terrified with the situation to be anywhere but by Matt's side when he did make it through surgery. They didn't see him for almost a month. Matt is such a hands on father that it must have been extremely frightening for them. They are doing their best to rebuild, we all are. I started them in counseling and after only 1 session our flex account ran dry so they cannot be seen again. We are going to go through the church but there is a long waiting list. I was unable to start my counseling and that was hard. I know this is something I can't do on my own. I know because I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to shower or leave the house most days. I try to be happy and move past it all but I am often visited by old ghosts. I tell myself I should be fine, he lived, he's still here with us but things will never be the same. We're still experiencing aftershock and that is rough. I just want to be better. I just want to be able to make things better for our little family but none of the options seem to be good options. That my lovelies is why I want to escape. I want to take them to a place where strokes and horror and heartache do not exist. Now, knowing that a place such as that does not exist I want our home to be a safe place for them. I want them to be loved by everyone as much as I love them.

1 comment:

Stinkypaw said...

This is my first visit to your blog, and your post touched me. Thank you for sharing. I hope things do get better. Hang in there and keep reminding yourself that good things/moments are on their way to you.