Most People Just Want The Smile

I haven't blogged in such a long time. It was not for lack of goings on in our family but merely for the fact that it is hard for me to put on a happy face and that's what most people want isn't it. The clerk at the grocery store, the acquaintance at church, the neighbor passing by. They all ask but do they really want to know? Do they really want to know that you lock yourself in your house everyday and cry. Do they really want to know that everyday you are haunted by images of your husband dying before your eyes, of he doctors administering CPR because his heart was stopping because the intubation was taking too long. They don't want to know the inner ramblings of a wife who suffers from severe depression and anxiety which is now coupled with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). There are few that really understand or want to know what's stirring inside of you and for those people I am infinitely grateful.  There are those that try to make it better by giving you advice about reaching out to others and serving people around you but when you don't have the energy to serve your own family, when you can't even get out of bed in the morning it is super hard to do any of that. It doesn't mean I wouldn't like to but I hate to leave my own house. I have to take anxiety medication jus to go to the grocery store. The truth is I'm broken. We try to get through the day but between one child with aspberger's, one child who is bipolar, a mother who is broken and a father recovering from a stroke, life is pretty damn hard. So to those who ask but don't really want to know I say "we're doing good, getting better everyday." and to those who might possibly understand I simply shed tears when the ask. So I haven't blogged in quite a while because honestly does anyone want to read this kind of stuff? Most people just want the smile.

Rebuilding

Well Matt is in surgery right now. They started about 15 minutes ago. They came to me just before the took him and asked me if they could change the plan a little. They were going to go in and try the ventriculostomy and if it didn't look like it would work they were going to put a shunt in right there. Well they decided that if the ventriculostomy did not work that they wanted to put in an external ventricular drain to measure his pressures over a couple of days in order to know better which shunt to use. The doctor was explaining it all but what he didn't realize is that I am all too familiar with what they are talking about, he's had the same thing before and we have pictures of it. I have spent the last 2 years trying to forget the bag of cerebral spinal fluid that was attached to his head. All of this means that he may be looking at another surgery in a couple of days. This is exactly what I didn't want but they said it would reduce the risk of another subarachnoid hemhorage or stroke. So I agreed to it. It was so weird that they were asking me. Paul and Vicki were standing there with me and so I consulted with them to make sure we were all on board. Its hard for me to know that ultimately the decision is mine when it comes to all of this. How did I become this adult who has to make these decisions? I am anxiously awaiting the results of this surgery and praying that it will work and he can begin to recover without a shunt. I just want him on his way to feeling better so that I can take him home. I just want our little family back together in one place so that we can begin to rebuild.

Day One, Friday

Today was probably one of the hardest days of my life and I know it was the hardest day of Matt's life. I will say however that reflecting on the events of today it is easy to see how the Lord guided us through every step and every decision we made and left my husband here on earth with me. We are not out of the woods, he has not woken up completely but there is neurological function where before the was none. It has been a long hard day but I will start at the beginning and try to tell you everything that happened.
Matt woke up to go to work this morning and was having a hard time. He was pretty grumpy which is rare for him. He woke me up to say goodbye and I asked him to stay home. We have not had a lot of time together lately and I missed him. Being the faithful employee that he is, he said he could not stay home and headed out the door to work. Being the lazy bed head that I am, I was not out of bed yet. About 10 seconds after Matt left his father Paul had a prompting from the holy ghost to look out the window and when he did he found Matt lying on the ground. He ran out and Matt was just coming around, he had lost consciousness. Paul helped him inside and the kids alerted me that he had fallen. I rushed downstairs and he was on the couch with an ice pack on his forehead where he had hit.
We decided that we better have the shunt evaluated so we got kids off to school and the neighbors and headed for Tooele hospital. On the way he became very nauseated and began vomiting. When we got there he could not walk into the hospital so I grabbed a wheel chair and rushed him inside. I checked him in and we headed to a room in the ER. When we tried to help him out of the chair and into the bed I noticed he could not open his left eye. Honestly I thought he was faking at first just to freak me out, he loves to do that. He tried to talk to the nurse and I but his speech was very slurred and the left side of his face was drooping. It was then that he lost control of his bladder and we knew something was seriously wrong. He was having a stroke right in front of me. They wheeled him to the trauma room and things went from bad to worse. He could no longer breath on his own and so they began cutting off his clothes and intubating him. I was watching from the corner in the room. He was foaming from his mouth and began posturing (worse than a seizure, nurse said you don't usually come back from that) on his right side. They then took him to CT where they found a very large 3 inch hematoma. From there they got him ready and loaded into the air-med helicopter.
My inlaws had come to the hospital and drove me up to the U of U. When I got here he was already in surgery. The trauma surgeon came out to talk to me. He said that there was no neuro function but they did not know if that was from the medication or if he would regain neuro function. We were taken to the surgery waiting room where we stayed for five and a half hours while they worked on him. At one point they came out to tell us they were trying to decide whether to keep the part of the skull they had removed or use a plate. After it was all over the surgeon came to speak with us. He said that Matt's trauma was very severe. He said that when he came in he was on step above brain dead. He explained that they were able to save the bone and that it was an artery that had burst. Matt was a very lucky man according to the surgeon but I prefer blessed :)
From there it was another 3 hours until I could see him. When I did see him he was still intubated and could not open his eyes but he squeezed my hand with his good hand. He was restrained so as not to pull out the breathing tube. They were also using a tube to empty his stomach and he did not like that at all. He didn't know where he was and I can imagine that was very frustrating to him. The night went well and at 6 am his stats were well enough to remove the ventilator. When they took it out they asked him if he knew who I was and he said " that's my wife, I want her...I always want her." I have never been more happy to hear his voice. My heart took a picture.

New Additions!

The past two days have been exciting for our family! Last night Claire and I drove up to Kaysville and brought home our new dog! We were so excited! We adopted a small Yorkie and she is extremely sweet. She is a papered purebred, her AKC registered name is
Ms. Libby Lou Sassy Pants! I love it! She is definitely sassy and thinks she is in charge around here. Lol. It was so fun taking Claire. She gets to do a lot of things with me now that she is getting older and I love spending the time with her. Ivan trails along with Matt everywhere he can and Nora and Naomi and I have our time together while the older ones are at school. Now that life is slowing down it is fun to have our playtime together. Matt is feeling much better. He is still on oxygen but we are hoping that he may be able to get off of it soon. His diabetes is well controlled right now and we are able to get some good exercise time together walking with Libby and the kids. My in-laws are moving to Idaho and instead of selling this house they are letting us stay here and rent from them. It is such a blessing for us. Matt is enjoying his job and is very good at what he does! Life has been kind to us lately. Today I got my early birthday present, an iPad! I love it! Isn't tax time wonderful? I am very grateful for all that we have been blessed with. We are starting to feel like a functional family again!

Today Is A Hard Day

Today is a struggle. Today is full of anxiety for me. We are staying with my best friend and her family and I am so grateful to them for letting us stay there. We are working on finding a place of our own but I must say it seems a bit hopeless. Today I feel like I am ready to be done with everything, done with the fight. I look at my kids and even though they are happier at Mandy's than they have been since we moved here, I feel a great sense of failure. Matt is working so hard to support us and I know I am where I should be with the kids but I cannot fix this and it's breaking my heart. Every trial that we faced in Arizona knocked me down and in the words of a very wise friend of mine, "I just kept getting up" but I'm not sure I can get up anymore. I'm so tired. Leaving matt's dad's house was a very hard thing. We were not kicked out but the circumstances seemed to push us out. I am trying so hard just to put it all in the Lord's hands but the ache in my heart won't stop. Every time I look at my kids my heart aches because I cannot even put a roof over their head. I do not understand what we are supposed to learn from all of this. I'm just so tired.

Every Quiet Moment

It has been a very long time since I have updated this blog. There really was not a lot going on for our family, we are very blessed. We had a very nice break from our trials after Christmas. We have hit a very rough spot right now but even still I feel a certain amount of calm. We have left where we were living for various reasons and are now homeless. Just to clear up any misconceptions we were not kicked out or forced to leave but due to circumstances we could no longer keep our children in that environment. I am extremely grateful for all of the help my father in law has seen fit to give us. We are now sleeping on the couches at a best friends house and trying to figure out what our next move is. I have cried for days because I feel like such a failure to my children. We have gladly opened our doors to others before but I must say I never expected to be on this end of things. It is a very difficult place to be. So I pray. In every quiet moment of every day I plead with Heavenly Father that we will be lead to what is right for us. This is quite a change from one year ago. When we came back from Arizona I had a very hard time and was very angry with God for our circumstances. Now he seems to be the only one that has any answers and I pray for those answers constantly. We have a plan and I know with Gods help we will find our place in this world.

Too long

It's been a very long time since I have posted and I have missed it! We have had so much going on I don't even know where to start but the bottom line is that lately we have been doing well. We are still dealing with health issues but it has slowed down so much and we have had time to breathe. Things seemed to turn around after Christmas, what a wonderful present for our little family. Claire has started activity days with our ward and loves it! Ivan is doing very well in school and is reading like crazy! Nora has turned back into her happy little self that we have missed since the move home. Even her preschool teacher has commented on it, she says her eyes look brighter. We have prayed so hard for this! We have been really worried about her. Naomi is talking up a storm and is quite happy with herself a of the time. Matt has a biopsy next week but other than that he has been doing well. His oxygen levels are good even without the oxygen and we are hoping that they will take him off of it soon. I have been fighting with my fibromyalgia but am doing well. I am so grateful to have this downtime with my family. I am so thankful for this time.