Just Keep Swimming

Yesterday Matt and I were able to attend the temple with some friends and it was a great experience.  We hadn't been to the temple in a long time.  I didnt realize how much I needed to be there.  It helped me to understand some of the things that are happening to our family.  I'm usually very good at leaving things to The Lord and not questioning why things happen to us but I will admit that there have been some quiet moments of reflection where I have desperately wondered why things are happening.  So many people have come to us and exclaimed how strong they think we are.  I am flattered by their remarks but there is a large part of me that does not want that label. I don't feel strong a lot of the time, I feel desperate instead.  I am just desperately tired.  Nora being hit by a car has added to the desperation.  I desperately want to make things better for her.  I wish that it was me in that wheel chair instead of her.  I watch her as she sits in that tiny chair and my heart hurts.  She watches the rest of the kids playing outside and jumping on the tramp and she aches to pay with them.  Honestly it makes me angry.  I'm not angry at the people involved but I am angry that it was her.  I should have been outside with them while they were riding those bikes.  I was working and for that I am angry.  I tried to start school again but it was just too much.  I took another week off and so I start again on Tuesday.  Nora sees the plastic surgeon on Tuesday about her jaw.  I am hopeful that her jaw has begun to heal itself but we will see.

I got a call the other day from the OB to let me know that the baby I am carrying is sick.  We knew that this could happen.  The baby is anemic.  My body has begun to build up antibodies to destroy the life that I am carrying.  I see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor next Tuesday to determine just how sick this baby is and what we can to do help it.  I didn't want to know what the baby was.  I had decided that I didn't want to know if it was a boy or a girl because I didn't want to get too attached to a baby that may or may not live.  At the temple yesterday however it hit me that I need to love this baby as much as I can now while it's growing as well as when its born.  I have faith that it will all be ok.  These doctors deal with this condition all of the time.

We met with the lawyer the other day who is helping us with Nora's accident and it looks like it's going to be a long process.  So we are dealing with a lot right now.  I am just tired and ready to throw in the towel but I will 'just keep swimming'

A Nap Is In Order

I haven't blogged in so long. I'm not sure why. I have started several posts but never finished them. I blame exhaustion. It has been one wave after another for us but by the grace of god we are still floating. Almost two weeks ago our little 6 year old Nora Lynne was hit by a car. It's been such a surreal experience. I was working doing nails at home and as my client was leaving, Ivan ran in yelling that Nora had been hit by a car. Honestly it didn't register as being real in my mind. I ran as fast as this pregnant body could carry me outside to her. Someone was holding her and a million things ran through my mind. The only thought that registered was "crap he moved her!" 

My sister was hit by a car when she was young and I remember my mom telling me that after she scooped her up off the road she thought "I shouldn't have moved her!" I couldn't blame him though because he was being so loving and tender with her and honestly I would have. She was taken by ambulance to our local hospital where she was life flighted to Primary Children's hospital. She had surgery to fix her broken femur. They placed two rods inside of her leg and found a crack in her jaw. It's all been a mess. She is home now and on the mend. I go back to school tomorrow after a two week leave and I have mixed feelings about it. I'm having the hardest time leaving her. Right now all I want is a break. I want to relax and cry. Things have been so overwhelming for 2 years or more and I'm ready for a reprieve. I think a nap is in order for this mamma.

New Adventures

So I have started school and I love it!  Some of the most amazing people are in my class and I love spending time with them.  I really believe that there was a reason I had to wait a little bit before starting school.  Without these girls and one in particular it just wouldn't be as fun.  I have made some new friends that will last a lifetime.  I am the oldest one in the class and I knew I would be but somehow I don't mind.  I have been doing really well and I am grateful for experience in school before now so that I know how to study and succeed. 
My plate is definitely full!  I home school during the day and it is a fight with these kids.  They loved it at first and we were doing very well but lately they have been quite a challenge.  I am counting down the days until it is over! 
Naomi turned 3 this last week. it's amazing how fast this year has gone.  We have learned so much this year through trials and tribulations and as hard as they have been I am thankful for them.  I am so much stronger than I used to be.  This month we celebrated Matt's first survival anniversary.  I was dreading the anniversary of his stroke and the memories it would bring but I decided that I was going to turn it around and instead of looking at it as the day my husband nearly died I would see it as the day my fighter of a husband survived.
Among all of these changes we have had some exciting news to share, we are expecting our fifth child! Barring any complications, this baby will be joining our family in early November. We are very happy. We have so much to be thankful for. We are very blessed

Crazy Busy

It has been super crazy at our house lately. There are lots of changes happening and I'm crazy busy most of the time! We started homeschooling Nora and Claire which is quite a chore but it is worth it. It is neat to see the things they are learning first hand and even learn with them! I have been very impressed with the k12 academy and we are planning on he schooling them next year as well. Soon there will be another big change for our family! I am going to start school myself! In March I am starting nail school so that I can help support our lite family. I will homeschool kids during the day and learn how to do awesome nails at night and on Saturdays. I am very excited for this opportunity. We are starting to see the Lord's will at work in our lives. There have been revelations that are unexpected but we see now that it is all for our good. I have found myself working harder than I ever have for the welfare of my family. I am striving to educate them both temporally and spiritually and it is quite a job. I am ensuring that we will have income if heaven forbid Matt can't work. I am starting to feel more confident about our future and although I am exhausted, it is a good feeling.

New Things

It has been a long day! I woke up to chaos in the house as usual but I wouldn't change it for anything. I am not going to lie, it would be nice if it was playing rather fighting but I'll take what I can get! It was a hard morning. I knew I needed to go grocery shopping and I needed to clean so that may have been what I was down about. I just really wanted to go back to bed and hide. I decided it was a better idea to take a hot bath and relax before we left. Matt and I took all of the kids and it was crazy! I was able to get out of my funk and we got a lot accomplished. Life is full right now but it is good. We are making a lot of changes and hopefully for the best. Claire has decided she wants to be home schooled and so I will be teaching her and Nora! I am excited though because it will get Claire back on track. I am registering for nail school this week! I think I will be able to start school next month! I'm nervous but super excited at the same time. I will be gone Tuesday and Thursday evenings and all day on Saturdays. It is a big jump for me especially with all of the anxiety I have been having. The kids are ok with me starting school, especially because they know they have awesome babysitters! Claire is so excited for me to go so that I can do her nails, lol.
With all of these changes we are re-implementing family prayer and family scripture study. It hard sometimes but I am counting on it to make things more peaceful around here. We have made a goal to read the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and the Pearl of Great Price this year. I'm excited! I love reading with the kids and helping them to understand what we are reading. I get a lot out of it too! I want our little family back on track and I want more peace in our home.
So there are a lot of new things going on and I know with Heavenly Fathers help we can make it all work!

Old Ghosts

I'm at the University of Utah hospital with a friend who is sick and there are so many memories, so many old ghosts. As we were in triage a call came in that was so similar to Matt's situation and immediately my heart began to race and there was so much anxiety. Sitting here I have watched paramedics come and go and I wonder what it must have been like when they brought him in. He was intubated and totally non-responsive. I wish so badly that I was with him through that, I wish I had been able to ride in the helicopter with him but I look back and realize that it would have made things so much worse for me. The ride to the hospital for me is a blur. I remember walking to my father-in-laws car and seeing them load him into the helicopter. The nurse waved as she walked away from the helicopter. Now, ten Months later it seems so weird that she did that. Like we were friends just parting from a visit. I remember driving under the overpass that leads into Salt Lake. I was on the phone most of the time with family and friends letting them know what had happened. I think the distraction of the phone calls was good. By the time we got here he was in surgery. I was so sad that he had been here longer than I had and by himself but that didn't matter to him, he doesn't remember any if it. I'm sure there are so many posts on this blog that outline that day but there are so many days that play over and over in my head. I pray that one day the wounds won't be so tender and that the scars will not threaten to resurface. Despite the PTSD and the remodel that our family has been going through we have had tremendous blessings. We were reading in First Nephi, chapter 1 and it talked about the tender mercies of The Lord. We talked about it as a family and all I could think was how merciful The Lord had been in keeping Matt here on earth with us. I'm so thankful for the tender mercies of The Lord. We have been continually blessed. So in spite of everything that has happened we hold on to those tender mercies and wait for the day when the old ghosts don't visit quite so often.

"'Till We Meet Again"

I had some very heartbreaking but enlightening conversations with friends today after hearing the news in CT. The conclusion I have come to is that in these last days as evil continues to rear it's ugly head on this earth we are going to have to make our homes the center of all that is good. We are going have to rely on our little families as well as our neighborhood families to love, lead and teach our little ones. People say we cannot "Shelter" our children but I ask why not?? Why can't we do our best to shelter, protect and preserve them as we'll as their innocence? We each have a tremendous responsibility to come together as communities as I'm sure we will see with this community in CT. We will have to create safe havens and bunkers for our children because they were sent here to this Earth at this time by Our Heavenly Father to fight a tremendous battle. We must arm them with love from home, family, neighborhoods and above all our Savior. We are raising warriors. The babies that lost their lives in this battle this day will not be forgotten. They will inspire millions of parents to love deeper, hold tighter and pray harder. God bless the Strippling Warriors that lost their lives in battle this day against Satan and his followers. God be with their families and to these courageous children and teachers I can only think, "God be with you 'til we meet again..."