Make Them Happen

Wow what a week! We have had a house full of sick kids and now sick mammas! We missed temple night and I missed the kids primary program. I was really bummed about both. I was really looking forward to the temple. We haven't been in a while and I really needed it. Matt and I need to set up a weekly time to go to the temple.
on friday I was finally able to get the kids their halloween costumes and they were so excited. We found a dolphin costume for Nora, a unicorn costume for Naomi, ninja costume for Ivan and a vampire costume for Claire. We had a fun time watching them model their costumes for us.
the weekend has flown by. I've been sick for 3 days now and I'm ready to start feeling well again.
I feel like things are finally headed forward and we're finding a new normal. As nice a that is, I have to admit that it's a little scary. Everytime we find our niche something seems to go horribly wrong. I am tired of being scared though. I have learned so much and overcome so much this year that there seems no point in being afraid. I was talking with a friend if mine who recently lost her husband in a tragedy. We both agreed that it was time to be done being scared and time to start doing all of the things that we are afraid of. Shaving my head was scary but something I have always wanted to do. I have loved it!! I'm going to make a list of things that I have always wanted to do and start making them happen!

I Have My Besties!

Today was a hard day. I'm changing medications for fibromyalgia and honestly it's kicking my trash! I absolutely love that we got the pain somewhat controlled and then the medication was too expensive so we are back to square one. No, you know what...in the words of my favorite comedian we're back at "negative eleventeen!" So my morning went like so many other mornings, turn on kids shows and wait for the pain to ease up. What a routine. I've been having a really hard time this week. I've been visited by a lot of old ghosts and wounds that I thought were healed seem fresh. Man I wish it were easy to let go of trauma. Just let it go and leave it be but it is a tricky little bastard and it likes to sneak upon you. Trauma has reared it's ugly head this week in the form of 4 hurting children and a mom who cannot understand why things are so hard. We were a happy family. We still are some days but on days like today where memories surface we aren't happy, we're drowning. We painted pumpkins last night as a family and our cute friends had bought a pumpkin for everyone in the family. They had found one for Matt that oddly enough carried the same scars that he does on his head. We all laughed because...well that's what we do sometimes. If you don't laugh you'll cry your eyes out. We all painted our own pumpkin and of course Matt took it to the HNL ((w)hole notha level).  It ended up looking much like he did in the hospital. He joked and said "this is what I look like on a Monday." I looked at it and said "no it was a Friday and that's exactly what you looked like." We couldn't even escape it while doing something as simple and fun as painting pumpkins. It follows me everywhere. It was a snowy Friday morning and I nearly lost him. I nearly lost the love of my life. no one would ever have lived up to him. I'm really trying to move past it all but without counseling I'm pretty sure that I will not move past it. A friend of mine has a cousin who was having strokes and wondered if I had any words of encouragement for her cousins wife. I had nothing. Word of encouragement still don't have a place in my heart. People ask how we are doing and words of encouragement are what I have to give them so that they can make sense of things and move on with their day. I know we are blessed that Matt is doing so well. I know that we will be ok but we are not there yet. Kids and I are still at each other because we're all hurting, tired and confused. So I hate answering the "how are you doing" question. I think it should be off limits. I do have my besties though that really do want to know how we are and thank goodness for them. They can make me smile on days when smiling seems down right impossible. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm getting my nails done and taking kiddos to buy Halloween costumes. Nothing like pampering and retail therapy to make things better. Well, goodnight my peeps, this chic needs some sleep!

Love Them As I Love Them

I am not in love with this day. It is cold and gloomy and lonely. I miss the days that Matt was able to stay home with us. Those last days of his recovery were good days. He would rather be home, we love being together. The doctor is changing one of my medications for fibromyalgia and I hurt. Chronic pain can be very depressing. I'm not ready for snow, it makes the pain worse. Halloween is coming so soon and I haven't been able to buy Halloween costumes yet. Today is just full of positive attitude isn't it! I think I'm just tired. I'm tired of a lot of things and at the moment I feel hopeless to change a lot of them. For a couple of days I have really wanted to go walking, even in the cold but the pain keeps me from doing much. There is a lot around the house I should be doing but I just want to sit. I'm feeling a bit useless to tell you the truth. We are adjusting to adding another family to our household and although it's nice to have friends around I am struggling with being the go between with the adults and children. My children are not easy children because they have the most stubborn parts of both Matt and I, lol. The three older ones are all 20 months apart and that in itself is hard but add in autism and bipolar to the mix and its downright hard. Naomi and Nora are a little further apart but both are extremely independent so it's crazy. It's hard to know that other people don't see the good parts of your children. I just want to scoop them up and go away. I would love for our little family to g on a vacation. I want to go somewhere where we're able to just relax and old one another. I want to run away from our complicated corner of the world, where the phone does not ring and the bills do not pile up. Where there is always enough for our needs and then some to spare and spend on those who need it. I really wonder if I should get a full time job but I really do not want my kids in daycare. I know things would be a lot easier financially if I worked but the kids are already dealing with abandonment issues from our time in the hospital after Matt's stroke. I never imagined how bad it must have been for them. I've been dealing with my own pain and demons that I haven't stopped to think about that fateful day and what it did to them. I promised them that Matt would be fine. Claire and Ivan were getting ready to walk out the door to school when Matt fell. Claire came upstairs even though she was told not to and informed me that he had fallen. I assessed the situation and sent them off to school. Ivan hadn't wanted to go. I called them up to my room before they left and assured them that we were just going to get pictures of daddy's head and that we would be back before they got home from school. "Dad is going to be just fine, I promise." I was wrong, I was so wrong. I called the school and let them know what had happened. I asked them not to tell Ivan and Claire because at that time Matt was in surgery and we didn't know if he was going to make it. My sister ended up picking them up from school. They were probably so excited to see her. Do you know I don't even know what she told them. I don't know how she explained why she was picking them up. I've never asked. What kind of mother doesn't know that? I remember telling my sister not to let them know exactly what had happened. Nora and Naomi were with our incredible neighbors and I don't know where they went from there. They must have been so confused about where we were and what was going on. I was too terrified with the situation to be anywhere but by Matt's side when he did make it through surgery. They didn't see him for almost a month. Matt is such a hands on father that it must have been extremely frightening for them. They are doing their best to rebuild, we all are. I started them in counseling and after only 1 session our flex account ran dry so they cannot be seen again. We are going to go through the church but there is a long waiting list. I was unable to start my counseling and that was hard. I know this is something I can't do on my own. I know because I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I don't want to shower or leave the house most days. I try to be happy and move past it all but I am often visited by old ghosts. I tell myself I should be fine, he lived, he's still here with us but things will never be the same. We're still experiencing aftershock and that is rough. I just want to be better. I just want to be able to make things better for our little family but none of the options seem to be good options. That my lovelies is why I want to escape. I want to take them to a place where strokes and horror and heartache do not exist. Now, knowing that a place such as that does not exist I want our home to be a safe place for them. I want them to be loved by everyone as much as I love them.

Soon Enough You Will Believe It

This last week has been full of ups and downs and today I was just plain exhausted. After the kids left for school I took Naomi and headed out for an appointment with a pain specialist. I was diagnosed 5 years ago with fibromyalgia by two different doctors in two different states and I have been trying everything my insurance will pay for to get some relief. When I went to the clinic today the doctor said that before he confirmed the diagnosis for a third time he wants to have an MRI and x-rays done. He is increasing several of my medications so hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll have some answers and a plan. Naomi was as patient as she could be but seeing as the doctor was an hour and a half behind, she was sort of a nightmare when he came in. After the doctor we came home and spent the afternoon relaxing. It was fun to see the kids run and play outside from the comfort of my napping spot on the futon. Bruiser was outside playing as well and somehow he ripped open the wounds on his leg. He's in a E-Collar or as we call it a "cone of shame." He is scheduled for surgery on the 23rd of this month. We are so grateful to the people who have made that possible. I am anxious for things to slow down and for more fun time with the kids. For tonight I am ready for some rest!
Oh and for those who are interested, I shaved my head agin and I love it! I am not sure if I will ever go back to long hair! I know that a lot of people think I am nuts and don't quite understand why a girl would want a shaved head. Well, here's my answer...why not!? It looks awesome, and I love it! I have always wanted to shave my head but I was too afraid of what people would think. When Matt had the stroke some of my worst fears came true so now it seems so silly to be afraid of the little things. Through my grief over the whole situation I have come to know myself so much better and I like me. I am learning that I am tough enough. I tell myself to "always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." (A.A. Milne)
So do me a favor, don't wait for something so traumatic to find this out. Believe that you are strong and soon enough you will no longer simply believe it, you will know it.

Never Promise an Outcome You Cannot Control

What a day.  I have started this post over and over and have gotten nowhere.  I just don't feel ok today.  I went to a funeral and it hit way too close to home and now I am not ok.  Death is such a hard thing for me but so is living sometimes.  I can't imagine what our lives would be like if Matt had not survived the stroke.  I know it seems redundant to talk about it but it is something that we deal with everyday and sometimes I just have to write it out.  My friend lost her husband very suddenly and I happened upon the scene the morning it happened just after his body had been removed.  I had no idea it had happened and I had an appointment at her house.  I felt horrible when I showed up and realized what had just happened.  I just hugged her and then told her "nothing I say can make this ok.  I'm so sorry."  I wasn't going to try and comfort her because I know first hand that in a situation like that comfort cannot be found.  It isn't until later when the storm has passed that you can find comfort and it often comes in the weirdest places.  I have found personally it hardly ever comes from what people say to you.  People can say the stupidest things when you are grieving.  When Matt had the stroke and people came to the hospital, I appreciated it so much when they didn't try to make sense of what was happening or assure me that God loved us and this happened for a reason.  None of that helps in the beginning.  The truth is that I knew all of that already.  I knew that God was with us that day.  I see the moments where he led and guided us in getting him to the hospital and in making the decisions that had to be made.  I knew that there was a reason that all of it was happening but in that situation I was completely in shock.  I remember while Matt was in surgery the feelings of terror, grief, sadness, comfort, calm and love that all come with something that traumatic. I sat for 7 hours and thought of every possible outcome for the situation that we were in.  I felt the spirit prepare me for the possibility that Matt may not survive.  I told my Dad during those hours that I really wasn't sure if Matt would survive and he told me we weren't going to think about that.  I am grateful that he was strong but in that moment it was impossible not to think about it.  I had just watched Matt begin to die in front of my eyes.  I had watched everything that happened from the first moments of the stroke until they put him in that helicopter and knew that there was a good chance he wouldn't make it.  I asked the doctor in Tooele to be straight with me as they were prepping him for the helicopter ride.  I said out loud, "can he die from this?" and her answer was "there is a chance, yes."  I looked at her and concentrated on breathing in and out as a million things ran through my head.  I stopped them as they were rolling him out of the door and asked if I could have a moment with him.  The paramedic said "yes but quickly."  I leaned over and kissed his face and said "Don't you die.  I love you and don't you dare die."  Then they took him from me.  I got to the University hospital after a 45 minute ride in the car and they took me to the surgery waiting room.  The nurse came and talked to me. She told me what the hospital policies were and that if needed I would have time to say goodbye and that even though they don't usually allow children into the ICU they would let me know if I needed to bring them to say goodbye to their dad. I had promised them that Matt would be ok when they left for school.  They had wanted to go to the hospital with me and I said no and that we would be home before they got back from school.  I learned a valuable lesson that day.  I learned never to promise an outcome that you cannot control.  Everyday since that day I have been surrounded by circumstances that I cannot control and have relived all of it over and over. I'm haunted and it's horrific and I'm sure people are so tired of it.  I'm sure they want me to "get over it" but I don't know how.  I don't know how to curb the fear and the hurt.  I worry every time he forgets what we have just talked about.  I panic every time he gets a headache.  I cry often when he leaves for work.  I have to pull myself out of this at some point but there is that constant fear of another stroke.  I start counseling soon and I know it is something that should have started while Matt was in the hospital but I was too busy being strong for everyone around me, especially him.  I am having trouble being strong now.  My strength is gone and I'm tired.  I am so thankful for the tender mercies that we experience and the time that we have been given. Now I just need to find a way to move forward.
              

Ughh

Yesterday was quite the day. I was down alot. Nora didn't feel good and stayed home from school so Naomi had her playmate all morning. Matt came home in the afternoon to take over the chaos while I took Ivan to the psychiatrist. We've been struggling a lot lately with his behavior. His medication doesn't seem to be working. Fortunately he was in true form last night and so the psychiatrist got too see exactly what we deal with daily. He could tell I was having a hard time and was very supportive. We are adding another medication to Ivan's regimen and I'm praying it will help. They also want some neuro testing done. He wants to find out if we are really dealing with bipolar disorder or if it's a form of autism. Either way I worry for my little man and pray for more patience to help him through this.